Intercultural Romances - The Great Divide
The Western world puts such a great emphasis on dating that a large percentage of ethnic youth consider the traditional matchmaking done by their parents to be out of step with the times.
By Khawlah Mian Young People's Press

After hours of waiting, Pooja's* family has FINALLY gone to bed! It's the perfect chance to call Ali*, her boyfriend. Pooja glances at the clock on her bedroom wall, 3:17 a.m.

Pooja's father, a religious leader at the local Mandir (Hindu temple), is her biggest fear. If he were to find out that she is still in contact with 'that Muslim boy' she would face serious consequences, which might include having her marriage arranged for her.

The same applies to Ali, who belongs to a devout Muslim family. After seeing the couple together, Ali's mother forbade them to speak to each other. She promised to keep the past a secret as long as the two would put an end to their relationship.

After being caught a second and third time, the issue was finally taken to Ali's father. Ali's mother consulted her husband about what should be done, and the two decided that having a talk with Pooja's parents would be the best solution.

The situation that Pooja and Ali are facing is not unusual in the complex world of intercultural relationships. The Western world puts such a great emphasis on dating that a large percentage of ethnic youth consider the traditional matchmaking done by their parents to be out of step with the times.

In Islam, marriage is considered to be life's most valuable institution. It is a lifelong commitment and is traditionally arranged by parents. However, many Muslim youth now feel that the decision to marry should be left up to them.

Despite common misconceptions, Islam does not teach parents to force their children to marry without their consent. "It's not as bad as most people think. You are given the right to meet and get to know the prospect, and who knows you might actually fall in love," says Sophie Khan*, 17.

Although she dates outside of her religion, Khan believes that there is nothing wrong with an arranged marriage. "I wouldn't mind having my marriage planned out for me because I know that my parents would consult me, they would never expect me to do anything that I'm not satisfied with," she says.

But those youths who choose not to follow a traditional path have to hide the fact that their boyfriends/girlfriends are not of the correct faith.

"My boyfriend is Hindu, which my parents would never approve of. His parents also feel the same way. If they were to find out that their son was dating a Muslim girl, they would not be pleased. I don't even want to think of the consequences," says Khan.

Although Khan's view is quite common, there are some youth who wouldn't even consider dating. This is because they feel that "dating around" is degrading and disrespectful.

Those who support arranged marriages feel that the Western media has made this tradition seem like an infringement of human rights. Eastern parents are often portrayed as compelling their children to marry someone that they don't even know. But this is far from the truth.

Saima Ghafoor, an 18 year-old student, says that she would never date. "I couldn't possibly dishonor my parents like that," says Ghafoor. "What kind of example would I be setting for my younger siblings?

"Parents should be given the honor of knowing that they are an important part of their children's lives. They need to feel important, and arranged marriages are perfect for that."

Muslim parents are often thought of as being narrow-minded. However, this isn't usually the case. "Even in my time, my parents consulted me before arranging my marriage" says Shaista Farooqi, mother of 2 teenage sons. "That was in Pakistan and more than 20 years ago."

"I turned down many proposals before I was satisfied," says Farooqi. "That's the way it should be. You kids are the ones who are going to have to spend your lives with the other person, it wouldn't be fair to force you into a situation that would only lead to conflict."

Farooqi's attitude is shared by many. The tradition of arranged marriages is becoming less common, but it is not dead. There are still many people who support the idea and feel that it is beneficial. It is accepted not only by parents and grandparents but also youth.

"My parents will always be there for me. If I have someone in mind, they want to know about it. They want to be able to help me out. They tell my sister the same thing," says Aamir Qureshi, 19.

Again, the media has misrepresented Eastern culture by suggesting that women are oppressed. The truth is that women are protected, not restrained. It is important for young women to know that they will be treated the same way that young men will, as is the case in the Qureshi family.

Dating is considered wrong in Islam, but the consequences are harsher for females. The religion teaches that men and women are different but equal and males are exempted from some of the rules and regulations.

"My parents know that I have a girlfriend, they know her family, and they approve of her. But I know that things would have been a lot different if I was the girl and she was the guy," says 20 year-old Ahmed Saeed.

Saeed's girlfriend would never be granted permission to marry him, even though the two families have been close friends for a long time. Her parents feel that they should be the ones to choose whom she is to spend her life with. Chances are, however, they might choose Saeed for their daughter without the knowledge of their currently existing relationship. " That would be the ideal solution to our problem" says Saeed, letting out a deep sigh.

"It's tough at times, but my parents really like Ahmed. I feel guilty sometimes, I feel like I'm manipulating them," says Saeed's 19 year-old girlfriend.

Khawlah Mian is 17 years old.

*Many of the names in this article have been changed to protect the identities of the youth involved.

Source: www.equalitytoday.org